It’s been ages since I wrote my last entry for this blog. Definitely, I got lost in a sense that, events, good and bad, have been unfolding right before my eyes which I failed to write down on this platform. I don’t even know what to write. All I needed was to be alone; to seclude myself from all the burdens of work (not that I’m complaining), shitty beings (that include only a few people), and whatnot.
I promised myself to shove off all the dramas in my life. I kind of auto-deleted all the traumas and tribulations that I’d been through last year. I promised myself not to let these experiences get in the way of achieving inner peace. Unfortunately, achieving that inner peace is a struggle despite exhausting all means to achieve it. I felt like grasping at straws. There are questions left unanswered. And most of the time, I blame myself for allowing some people to barge into my life and eventually challenged me to take the rough with the smooth. I was angry. No, I was hateful. I resented people. And the only way to express these feelings was SILENCE. I kept it all to myself and let time dust off the hurt lurking inside.
Years ago, a good friend introduced me this term: social investment. Outside the boundaries of business and economics, social investment is all about, well, as the word suggests, investing in people. A friend told me that more than making a lot of money or having a big house, nothing can beat the value of friendship, or having good people in your life. Having friends is not about quantity. I can count my real friends on the fingers of one hand.
I’d like to believe I’m a loyal friend. And once trust is broken, everything is ruined. Certain words/phrases that I don’t want to hear from a friend especially when s/he deals with her own problems: “I haven’t told you because I’ll keep on repeating the same problem.” Come on, as a friend, I can listen to your problems a thousand times and I will not get tired of hearing them. When I read that message, I knew I had to step back. My value as a friend was put into question. Am I not worthy enough? I found it unfair because I confided all my problems with you with no hesitation. At all. Were you hiding something from me? Then came all the issues and questions that you got yourself involved with. And all the queries from other people which I avoided to answer because I wanted to cover you up. All the rumors that I heard were proven true…and shocking (at least for me).
In an instant, everything changed. That friendship, our friendship, which I thought would stay strong until forever, is reduced to rubbles. I was mad and sad at the same time. I was mad because of your lack of prudence. You put your profession at stake. Your coping mechanism is terrible. But I hope you’re coping with whatever challenges you’re dealing with. I was sad (and still am) because you chose people to help you cope with these challenges. And you never considered my worth as a friend. You chose the bum and the inebriate. I bet they’re a great help.
I understood that you have to go by yourself and deal with your problems alone or with people you think can really, really help you in times of darkness. It’s fine with me. But when that time comes you need to fix things up, fix things up. Don’t ever think that you can build the same friendship we once built. Everything has to start from scratch. From nothing. And you know, just like any investment, social investment takes time to grow, to develop. As one of my friends jokingly said, we just become mere acquaintances. Acquaintances with memories. I’m happy with my friends now. Friendships built for more than a decade. Try to beat that. Or not.
Suffice to say, we have no control of who stays and leaves in our lives. Honestly, I still question my own value as a human being. What am I to others? For sure, I am not perfect. Whose fault is it? I know I have my own share of the blame. Sometimes, I wish that I can fix things up with these people. What for? It’s too late. If it needs fixing, then the people who are at fault have to take one step forward.
I made my choice before 2019 ended. And it took me a while to write this down. It’s about time. I have untangled myself from all the drama. There is healing in writing.